Things I would do if I could

Sometimes I get thinking: ‘You know what would be good?’ And then I file a glorious idea away in my head. ‘Oh that’s a good idea. No need to write that one down, because that’s a really good idea. You can’t forget an idea like that.’ Five minutes later the tremendous idea plummets into a gaping cerebral black hole. Well friends, this thinkpiece is an attempt to thwart the amnesia and present some of my most greatest ideas, the things that I would do if I could.

1. If I was any good at art, I’d draw a Hitler cyclops. Why? Because Hitler is all the rage now that Herr Donald has won the coveted Breitbart US Presidency Achievement Medal. I like the idea of Trump as an evil cyclops with a little Chaplin tache and a 45° emo fringe dyed jet black. If I was any good at art I’d even draw him in a double breasted pinstripe suit, with size 7 Chuck Taylors so he’s down with the kids. Before he eats the Muslim ones.

2. If I was a linguistic policy maker I’d bring the word retarded back into play. But not to describe someone with learning disabilities. In fact, not to describe anyone at all, rather their actions. Because retard comes from French, and basically means ‘late’, it’s a perfect adjective for the actions of someone living in the past. Donald Trump is not retarded, nor is he a retard or even a flaptard. But his actions (based presumably on his thinking) are totes retarded. Building a massive cunting wall is retarded.

So if I could do it, I’d bring it back. But sadly you can’t resurrect retarded because the Tumblr language police will cry. And it will be used outside the intended context, by cruel idiots mocking people with learning difficulties. Which would be a retarded irony.

3. I’m pretty good with my hands. And if I had some sort of law or drama degree, and a few grand to spare, I’d design and build an inquiry machine. I’d offer cut-rate ‘open and thorough investigations’ for Northern Irish political parties, using combination technology principles. It seems every other day, a beardy-faced or rouge-cheeked talking head demands an investigation. The problem with that is, it would take a lifetime to successfully probe all our wee retarded cuntry’s allegations into corruption and nepotism. But not if I had some semi-useless training that promises a fancy script on heavy paper — and some spare cash.

I could make a mint churning out judgments on a bespoke scandal analysis apparatus. I’d call it the Arbitron 4000 – for robust answers. It will meld honest-to-goodness electromechanical knowhow with facial recognition Nokias and punch cards. Old meets new meets old again. And again. A bit like the political treadmill we seem to be stuck on.

That’s it for now. I’m sure I’ll dream up more. If there’s anything you would do if you could, I’d love to read it. 


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